i am not alone

i had 3 "kinda-close" encounters with Sjoberg today.. i was eating by the ledge of the corridor when he appeared, and stood close to me. of course i had to turn my back to him in shame and in concealment. the second time was when they were coming out of 205. he was talking to oscar punla while walking and i was staring at him as he passed by me. the third was when i was with bevs over the ledge, and she greeted him. my back was turned against him again, of course.

chitra has a big, huge crush on him, as well as girls from bevs' subsec--something that makes me like him less with each passing day..

the "exclusivity" of liking him gives the most thrill, i guess... i knew then that i was the only one, the most eligible one in my section. it's like i owned him, and our moments together weren't repeated with anyone else. but now, a lot of girls like him, many of them much better than me, which makes the thrill relatively nonexistent.

by the way, ryan passed by me 3 times today, just a while ago while chatting with betty down the hall... i don't feel butterflies and thrills anymore. he's just... Ryan.

i can't understand why i've become apathetic towards my crushes lately. the only one left is sjoberg, and he's slowly slipping away. perhaps i'm growing out of this thing already. maybe i'm growing up again.

i'm appreciating dra. kho now.. she's beautiful and intelligent. she's perfect for sjoberg. unlike before when i still resent her, i now see her as someone pretty and kind... and now i begin to feel sorry for her, and somewhat resenting the fact that sjoberg had an affair with a resident... but there's still this big feeling inside of me that wants to know how it feels like to be sjoberg's mistress.

hay... enough of the mistress thing. i've always been a mistress with almost all my relationships (except with ron, of course. but that's another story). Now that I’m about 22 days away from turning 23, I think I’ve resigned to the fact that I might grow old alone… I could grow old alone. That’s not far from impossible. Heck, that’s what’s probably gonna happen. If the Lord will make it that way for me, I’ll be more than happy to accept it. Anjan naman si Sisi who’s like my son anyways. And there’s my family and my friends. I have all the love that I need, even more. If a boyfriend (eventually, God willing, a husband) will come along, it’s a big bonus. But if not, I know God has a reason for it, and I know it will be the best for me. =)