i am not alone

i had 3 "kinda-close" encounters with Sjoberg today.. i was eating by the ledge of the corridor when he appeared, and stood close to me. of course i had to turn my back to him in shame and in concealment. the second time was when they were coming out of 205. he was talking to oscar punla while walking and i was staring at him as he passed by me. the third was when i was with bevs over the ledge, and she greeted him. my back was turned against him again, of course.

chitra has a big, huge crush on him, as well as girls from bevs' subsec--something that makes me like him less with each passing day..

the "exclusivity" of liking him gives the most thrill, i guess... i knew then that i was the only one, the most eligible one in my section. it's like i owned him, and our moments together weren't repeated with anyone else. but now, a lot of girls like him, many of them much better than me, which makes the thrill relatively nonexistent.

by the way, ryan passed by me 3 times today, just a while ago while chatting with betty down the hall... i don't feel butterflies and thrills anymore. he's just... Ryan.

i can't understand why i've become apathetic towards my crushes lately. the only one left is sjoberg, and he's slowly slipping away. perhaps i'm growing out of this thing already. maybe i'm growing up again.

i'm appreciating dra. kho now.. she's beautiful and intelligent. she's perfect for sjoberg. unlike before when i still resent her, i now see her as someone pretty and kind... and now i begin to feel sorry for her, and somewhat resenting the fact that sjoberg had an affair with a resident... but there's still this big feeling inside of me that wants to know how it feels like to be sjoberg's mistress.

hay... enough of the mistress thing. i've always been a mistress with almost all my relationships (except with ron, of course. but that's another story). Now that I’m about 22 days away from turning 23, I think I’ve resigned to the fact that I might grow old alone… I could grow old alone. That’s not far from impossible. Heck, that’s what’s probably gonna happen. If the Lord will make it that way for me, I’ll be more than happy to accept it. Anjan naman si Sisi who’s like my son anyways. And there’s my family and my friends. I have all the love that I need, even more. If a boyfriend (eventually, God willing, a husband) will come along, it’s a big bonus. But if not, I know God has a reason for it, and I know it will be the best for me. =)

in between migraines, ulcerative colitis/colorectal CA & skim milk latte

i'm loving "how can i fall" by breathe... i've been listening to it for about 2 hours now. i'm currently having a headache, and just "finished" my sgd.

i'm looking at lee's friendster profile now. bakit sya may boyfriend?!?!?????! at in fairness, cute ang boyfriend nya. and to think they're 7 years together already. good for her, at least she's sure of her future. ang daya. hmp. bitter ako, sobra. nyahahahaha.

hearing the song over and over (and over) again, i can't help think about sjoberg... tama na pinky!!!! kaya di ako nakakaaral e... hmp.

sige na, baboo... still have AMSA stuff to do. and my wards case.

meet the third wife

classes ended 3 hours earlier today. it was flooding in the streets due to the hard rains. i got to sleep for 2 hours and bum around a bit. yay for me. boo for the brain.

at lunch today aileen, tin ko and karen sat with us. as i went to pay our radiology photocopies, marja was screaming her silly head off. she was calling my name. i sensed it was something sjoberg. truly it was. tin ko has a crush on him. they were laughing and telling her she's the third wife.

i didn't get angry at the news, but as i trodded on the floody, wet streets on my way home, it got me thinking. tin is waaay better than i am. she's a member of the terps, a lot sexier, perhaps a lot more confident than me. if we were to stand in front of him and make him choose between the two of us, he'll choose her over me without batting an eyelash. in effect, she's mistress material. which leaves me to be a poor spectator content with sights of him walking down the halls of med bldg and the hospital, with occasional glimpses of his teaching mode, and a very few times of running across him by the faculty lounge.

i saw him this morning, when i peeked through the SGD rooms. he was seated quite slouchily on the chair wearing his boyish smile. looking through the glass door, it hit me that he looked old. he looked much much better during our time with him, with the really short hair and the humming and singing while walking. now, although the cuteness is still there, he comes across to me now as somewhat lost and shabby. but then again, seeing him was a boost. he got me to recite in class and get a 9/10 in the quiz.

i wish tin ko isn't as crazy in love with him as i do...

if i had just followed dra. dee's advise of seeing him as my endo, life would be much, much better now. i solely blame vanessa for introducing dra. asis's name. if only i could turn back time...

i think i should start losing weight now. i still have 7 months before medicine rotation... rush rush rush.

but first things first. i should focus on med 2 first, and all my other subjects.

so buh-bye blogger. till the next sjoberg moment.

the book of revelations

i have about 15 mins to write this entry. after this i'll study pedia.

i find it senseless to reiterate my thoughts on this blog when i tell my friends every "significant" tidbit in my life. kate, marja, tin & teng, betty, even peeble and van are my human diaries.. i thank them for being around me, although sometimes they don't really pay attention to what i say (because i drift most of the time--flight of ideas?). but since i started this thing and there's really not much to do (yeah, right) yet, might as well get on with the show.

perhaps i won't write much about sjoberg from now on. i've learned that he has kidS, an 11-year old daughter who goes to ICA, who's tall and dark and looks like her dad. who's english-speaking, and perhaps a brainiac like her parents. too bad for me, who's dreaming (lusting, actually) to have a son by him, although i want to have a daughter named Hiraya Sofia Kho. i guess the kilig and the excitement died down when i heard from dra. niu-kho's mouth that they have kids. i don't covet another's husband when they have kids. hindi naman ako ganon kasama kahit na ilusyonada. tsaka it takes the spice out of the illusion. mahirap hiwalayan si misis kung alam mong may link sila. babae pa naman ang anak.

ito na siguro ang huli. like i told bevs, hindi ko na sya ip-pursue. and besides, as if naman magkakatotoo ang wish ko na maging kami. hindi nya ko type. at NEVER syang papatol sakin. ni matuwa nga sakin, i highly doubt it. ordinaryong mamamayan lang ako sa kanya. plain and simple. hindi naman ako standout e. masyado lang akong ma-feeling at binigyan ko ng sariling dictionary ang nudge at hawak nya, pati ang pagtawag nya ng kuya kay ninin. umepal lang naman ako kaya ako front and center pag wards. pero in all honesty, masarap ang feeling ng epal sa kanya. if i can relive those moments all over again, i'd do it.

tigang na tigang na ko. i feel the loneliness of having no one to smile at, nothing to look forward to. kaya siguro many times i feel out of order. i miss seeing him, pero pag anjan na hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko. parang walang saysay ang nichido, elseve & ralph lauren pag walang sjoberg na mang-aamoy at makakakita.

kilala pa kaya nya ko? ano kaya ang impression nya sakin. malamang menial. pero sana may naiwan din naman akong katuwa-tuwang impression sa isip nya.

hay sjoberg... di ako in-love sayo pero gusto kita, sobra. if there would be a way, even if not in this lifetime, i would like to know you more and be with you.

Teng: kung maging second wife ka ni sjoberg, payag ka?
Pinky: oo.
Teng: di nga, seryoso?
Pinky: oo nga.

1 month to go

it's a month away and it will be my birthday. i've thought all along that it will fall on a tuesday, so i could see him then. but it's on a wednesday. sad. but then anything can happen. but i don't want to wish. coz whenever i wish for something like that, it doesn't come true. maybe God doesn't want to me to get distracted. hay. i miss him. i miss feeling kilig, beautiful and confident. i miss having him as my teacher. it helps a lot to have him as my inspiration. i wish the good times were here again. if only i could relive those days. but then i wish i had the guts to stand up to him and show him what i can really do. to show him the brave and bibo side of me. the funny and lovable me. i wish i can know him better, to burst the illusion bubble in my head. i wish we'll be friends. i wish i'm close to him. i wish all my dreams about him would come true.

nyeta, sarap mangarap.

una

this is my first blog dedicated to my illusions and everything that might come in between them. i've had many blogs, but i want this to become my diary of sorts. i don't want to keep a hard copy of it coz i want my illusions to be shrouded in secrecy (lest i share it with my amigas), and mainly because i type a lot faster than write on paper. and perhaps because i don't want anymore to bombard my friends with my worthless dreams and stories about my constant source of smiles and kiligs. i want this blog to be my sponge of all things sjoberg.