welcome back!

... at nagbabalik mula sa sapang palay... ako! at ang kahiligan ko sa mga lalaking intsik na mas matanda sa akin.

after 1 month of sapang palay, i feel like an alien in my own home. balik na naman sa pagiging mag-isa, walang makain at makausap. nasanay narin ako sa buhay na malamig ang tubig, walang ginagawa kundi makipagkwentuhan lang, at mag-field at makisalamuha sa mga tao sa baryo.

tama nga ang sinabi ni kaloi, makakalimutan mo lahat ng pinag-aralan mo pag nasa sapang ka na. very very true...

at syempre pinagdasal ko na sana maka-chance for love akez sa sapang.. akala ko si mags na yun. mali pala ako. isang malaking maling akala. erase erase. nabulagan lang ako. bulag na bulag.

pero syempre, dahil drawn ako sa mga intsik at hindi naman pwedeng hindi pag-usapan sa blog na ito ang mga crush kong intsik, may bago na naman ako. na-promote na ang pagkagusto ko. with advanced age pa. pero binata naman sya e. dalaga naman ako. bata nga lang--batang bata, na pwedeng mapagkamalang mag-ama kami. welcome to the club, dr. philipp po.

quesejodang jabar na jabar sya pag naglelecture, que ver ba kung ilonggo accent sya, e ano naman ngayon kung di sya marunong mag-treat ng onychomycosis at napahiya ako sa teaching nya (7/10 naman ako, ok na yun). ginagawa naman nyang quiapo ang china, madami naman syang truck at dun sya yumaman ng todo. co-author sya ni peter ng sa med juris na book. napakarami nyang MS at Ph.D, at mas mahaba pa ang mga titles nya kesa sa buong pangalan nya (contest sila ni peter ng). napangasawa na nya ang pag-aaral, at wala syang gustong gawin sa buhay nya kundi ang mag-aral. nagdoctor nga, nag-research naman. o di ba aral na naman yun? at ang source ng pera nya e di kinakailangang tumayo sya at ma-lurka na maghanap-buhay. madaming gulong ang mga truck nya, gumugulong na nga lang ang pera sa harapan nya..

ano kaya problema nya no? di kaya nasawi sya sa pag-ibig at itinuon na lang nya ang buong buhay nya sa pag-aaral para makalimutan ang nabigong pag-ibig nya? or is it genetic? contest talaga sila ni peter ng sa paramihan ng inaaral? ang gwapo naman nya para walang magkagusto sa kanya.

naku kung mabigyan lang talaga ako ng pagkakataong ma-manyak yun, gagawin ko. isasantabi ko na lahat ng hiya at pretentions. sarap siguro kung sya ang first ko. hahaha. sana nga lang magaling sya sa kama. charing. basta, ang sarap halikan ng mga labi nya. ang ganda pang titigan ng mga mata nya. and most of all, lalaking-lalaki sya tingnan. sana nga lang hindi sya bading.

ok tama na, matt cajucom brain na naman ito... hay... too much horniness and porn for the last 3 months. tama na!

pero sa ngayon, wish ko lang e makita ko ulit sya. sana nga lang magkaron ako ng lakas ng loob na mabati sya. at sana natatandaan pa nya ko.

di na natuto

bakit lagi na lang ako naiinlab sa mga taong alam ko namang hindi ako mamahalin? case in point: Toby Corona. sya ang 1st crush ko sa med, naging ka-subsec, chum, at ngayon ka-duty sa medicine...

Pogi points nya: matalino, makisig, rockstar, mabait, gwapo, gentleman, sweet.
Turn-off points: atenista, conyo (ganun sya pinalaki e), hindi maka-pamilya, ayaw magka-anak, ayaw sa nagm-makeup, sa mahabang kuko, in short sa kikay.

we are worlds apart, i know. may mga panahong naiinis ako sa kanya. at alam kong minsan nababad-trip din sya sakin. pero natutuwa ako at hinahangaan nya ko kapag kausap ang mga patient. magaling daw ako kumuha ng history. at nam-mesmerize ako pag nagc-code sya. parang knight in shining armor. nice ass pa. alam ko namang hindi ako ang tipo nya. at tanggap ko namang may gusto syang iba. masaya ang duty kung minsan pag andyan sya. pero naiinis parin ako sa sarili ko dahil binibigyan ko ng kulay lahat ng mga ginagawa nya.

for the nth time pinky, tama na ang kahibangan, ang ilusyon, at ang pagiging bulag. alam mo kung saan ka lulugar. at hindi yon sa puso nya.

meet sandy lu, md

from one chinese crush to the next.

in the 3 weeks of clerkship, i've had nothing but q1 monitoring, looong and never-ending walks to everywhere, occasional referrals, countless grandrounds, sleepless duties, and utter disorientation to time. but at the height of my neurology rotation, on a very toxic day, i met a resident at MRI. he was a very unassuming guy, scruffy even. he didn't ask for any history. he just got a pen and signed my request. little did i know that for the days to come, he'll be sending chills to my spine and gluing a smile on my face that would only fade once i get to my post at UST-CD. meet dr. sandy s. lu, m.d., chief resident of radiology.

he has everything that i'm drawn to in a guy: chinese, with glasses, tau mu, a doctor, and in a relationship. o di ba, he's the complete package. hehehe. quesejodang signus sya ng pagiging toxic ng duty ko, go parin para tignan at magpa-sign sa kanya. our duty day falls on the same day. good for me i suppose. it's God's way of telling me that despite a really toxic and tiring duty night, there's still something--or someone--to smile about.

the feeling of being in love

miss ko na ang ma-in lab... o diba, sa kabila ng ka-toxican ng araw na ito (crunch time b/w surg and med shiftings), sumisiksik pa sa utak ko ang bagay na 'yan... for some time until recently, i have lost the flame of hope that i would soon find the man of my dreams. why? d/t the stresses of med (bgd, etc..); losing my liking for sjoberg; finding out that harris is a snob; no more cute guys to look out for; but bottom line, i was busy (read: no time for love). but for some reason, i got back to my old self again, loving life and love through dr. dakila, toby, jappy, and other "picks of the week". although no sjoberg na. closed book na sya. anyway...

why am i missing the feeling of being in love? the last time was with peewee pa: circa 2006. tapos sjoberg in 2007, pero infatuation lang yun. kilig kung baga. being "in love" made me feel pretty and good about myself--it was a booster, a big one! and most importantly, perhaps, is the fact that i'm always alone. heck, it won't be long before i will be truly alone--in the house, and in clerkship. kasi when i feel in love, the emotional void of being physically alone is somehow diminished, because i have with me the hope and the smiles of my thoughts and daydreams. although at present i am trying hard to find a guy that will be my "groom" in my bedtime wedding illusions (the latest one is toby).

in the last days of 3rd year, i am struggling to know everything in order to prepare myself for clerkship and my definitive everyday routine for the rest of my living years. yet at the end of the day, i am also struggling to keep myself happy by hoping to stumble into someone that would keep the "in-love" side of me alive. i hope that one day, sooner or later, the man that is my groom in my wedding dream would have a definite face, one that is real and alive, and one that will make my dream a reality.

muling pagkabuhay

and i thought i will never return to this blog again....

syempre hindi na all-sjoberg ang drama ko ngayon. it's the same last name though, but a different spelling. same race (nyahahaha). but not married (nor unattached? not sure). pero bading ata.. but he's the last cute guy i've encountered in ages (clyde is the last, but SO not included. hello? wala na yun)... so here's an ode to cutedoc.

speaking of the handle, what narcissistic person! he likes marimar and kc concepcion. mga babaeng di ko type. haha. at sinong matinong machong lalaki ang maglalagay ng "cute" sa handle nya, kahit katotohanan naman na cute sya. pero super chinese e... hirap i-inflitrate. he's the most self-centered man i've encountered for a long time... ma-comment pa! parang girl--naglalagay ng cute sa pangalan at macomment sa forum. hahaha. so there. i will post his pic. for posterity. di ko malagay sa phone e.

o di ba, cuteness nga... my typical type--maputi, singkit, matangkad, may dr. sa umpisa ng pangalan, may kotse, maganda ngumiti.. pero parang bading. hahaha. ayoko sya i-pursue. i won't see him again anyways. not until my next dental checkup. and as if naman i'll get a response from him. i'll just feed his already big ego.

and besides, wala naman akong pag-asa dun. hindi ako mala-kc o marimar. hindi din ako chinese. i am just a dumb patient who acted dumb around him the other day. with ugly hair. grrr... pero forget na yun. it's just hair. ok?

kaya, crush lang sya. tapos. but he's an OK filler for my dreams right now. hahahaha. o sya, sleep na ko.... kitakits na lang tayo sa panaginip harris. LOL.

i am not alone

i had 3 "kinda-close" encounters with Sjoberg today.. i was eating by the ledge of the corridor when he appeared, and stood close to me. of course i had to turn my back to him in shame and in concealment. the second time was when they were coming out of 205. he was talking to oscar punla while walking and i was staring at him as he passed by me. the third was when i was with bevs over the ledge, and she greeted him. my back was turned against him again, of course.

chitra has a big, huge crush on him, as well as girls from bevs' subsec--something that makes me like him less with each passing day..

the "exclusivity" of liking him gives the most thrill, i guess... i knew then that i was the only one, the most eligible one in my section. it's like i owned him, and our moments together weren't repeated with anyone else. but now, a lot of girls like him, many of them much better than me, which makes the thrill relatively nonexistent.

by the way, ryan passed by me 3 times today, just a while ago while chatting with betty down the hall... i don't feel butterflies and thrills anymore. he's just... Ryan.

i can't understand why i've become apathetic towards my crushes lately. the only one left is sjoberg, and he's slowly slipping away. perhaps i'm growing out of this thing already. maybe i'm growing up again.

i'm appreciating dra. kho now.. she's beautiful and intelligent. she's perfect for sjoberg. unlike before when i still resent her, i now see her as someone pretty and kind... and now i begin to feel sorry for her, and somewhat resenting the fact that sjoberg had an affair with a resident... but there's still this big feeling inside of me that wants to know how it feels like to be sjoberg's mistress.

hay... enough of the mistress thing. i've always been a mistress with almost all my relationships (except with ron, of course. but that's another story). Now that I’m about 22 days away from turning 23, I think I’ve resigned to the fact that I might grow old alone… I could grow old alone. That’s not far from impossible. Heck, that’s what’s probably gonna happen. If the Lord will make it that way for me, I’ll be more than happy to accept it. Anjan naman si Sisi who’s like my son anyways. And there’s my family and my friends. I have all the love that I need, even more. If a boyfriend (eventually, God willing, a husband) will come along, it’s a big bonus. But if not, I know God has a reason for it, and I know it will be the best for me. =)

in between migraines, ulcerative colitis/colorectal CA & skim milk latte

i'm loving "how can i fall" by breathe... i've been listening to it for about 2 hours now. i'm currently having a headache, and just "finished" my sgd.

i'm looking at lee's friendster profile now. bakit sya may boyfriend?!?!?????! at in fairness, cute ang boyfriend nya. and to think they're 7 years together already. good for her, at least she's sure of her future. ang daya. hmp. bitter ako, sobra. nyahahahaha.

hearing the song over and over (and over) again, i can't help think about sjoberg... tama na pinky!!!! kaya di ako nakakaaral e... hmp.

sige na, baboo... still have AMSA stuff to do. and my wards case.